i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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