just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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