I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
