it was like eating out sand paper
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
