I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
