I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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