He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
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rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.