My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste