I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he was CRYING into my vagina
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
