her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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