I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Life is so much better after having sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
