and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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