I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
