I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
