Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
MIDGETS
????
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
