i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
