Life is so much better after having sex.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Help. Why am I so naked?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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