I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
