I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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