apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
