How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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