I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
