I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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