Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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