I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
