so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
