I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
