he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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