And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
