Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
