I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
