It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
