i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
