Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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