Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
