hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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