I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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