The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
