hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
