If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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