On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
