Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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