She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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