he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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