My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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