Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
