i need an iv and a liver transplant
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
