i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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