cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
