Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
