Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
