when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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