Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
