i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
