My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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