Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Operation Purity has been aborted
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
