How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
