Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
