I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
