you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
